If you’ve ever had a child leave home to attend college raise your hand. We have just returned from moving Boy #4 into his college dorm and I’ve got a few things to share about this process. I’ve dealt with this strange phenomenon three times now so I was very matter of fact about it as we prepared for his impending departure from our home. Ah, we know the drill. We’ve done this a couple of times now. Piece of cake. Right?
Wrong. I’m sorry to tell you that you never get used to it and it doesn’t get any easier with experience. But, you should know that your life is about to grow in ways you might not have even anticipated. Being the parent of a grown (or mostly grown) person is a fabulous thing. I like to use the term “mostly grown” because that is how I view college aged kids. They still have a bit of growing to do before they are ready for the challenges that lie ahead and being on their own accelerates that growth like nothing else can.
If you have a child leaving the nest in the coming years there are some things you should be aware of. First, a few items to be noted:
- “Empty Nest” does not necessarily mean a truly empty nest. I went through all of the same feelings when Boy #1 left for college and I still had three more at home.
- Carry Kleenex and be prepared for sudden and poorly timed emotional outbursts. It typically hits me when I’m driving or doing some other mundane task like watching television, doing housework, etc.
- Men do not appear to suffer from empty nest syndrome. Do not expect your husband to understand your feelings because apparently men are pretty happy about the fact that kids grow up and leave home. Men are strange creatures.
Now that we’ve covered the basics let’s talk about how to best prepare. There are definitely things you can do to make yourself and your college student feel better.
- Get organized. We feel more in control when we are on top of things.
- Visit the school your child will be attending. Tour the campus and drive around the college town to familiarize yourself with the setting. You will be visualizing your child in this setting for the next four years so let’s get an accurate picture.
- Check the Housing and Residential Services section of the college’s website for dorm room layouts and a checklist of items that first year students should bring with them.
- Talk to your older kids who’ve already been through this or your friends’ college aged kids to find out what they really should bring with them. These are the experts. You probably won’t see an Xbox 360 listed on the school’s checklist.
- Shop in advance before the hoards of college bound kids and their empty nesting parents are clogging the aisles of Target and The Container Store.
- Cook and bake to your heart’s delight. These last few weeks are the time to make them all their favorites. They will be eating most of their meals in the campus dining halls in the coming months so go for it. They will come home during school breaks with a deep appreciation of your home cooking. This even applies to those of you who don’t consider yourselves very skilled in the kitchen. Mom’s stuff is always the best.
- Dream about the future. Not your child’s, but yours. You’ve put your heart and soul into this person for the last 18 years and the fact that he or she is heading off to college means you’ve done your job well. Once they are gone you will have more time to truly shift your focus and jump full steam into something that you might have put aside. This should be an exciting time for Mom too.
- Keep busy. Be productive. This is an easy one.
- Make their travel arrangements for their first visit home. This is typically Thanksgiving and it comes very fast. Traveling over the holidays requires advance planning and tickets do sell out. How will they be getting home? Book flights, buy train tickets, etc. This will give you peace of mind and will also help ease their feelings of home sickness if there is a plan in place for them to come home to visit for the holidays.
- And, most importantly, be positive and be aware of your child’s emotions. There will be nervousness, uncertainty, excitement, and most likely they will feel a bit overwhelmed. Project your confidence in them, your excitement about what their college experience will be like, and what their future holds.
If you’ve had a child leave the nest I’d love to know how the experience affected you and any words of wisdom you might have to offer.
I’ll speak out for the husbands and dad’s who may not “seem to be affected” by an empty nest. Oh, I joked about what we would do with their rooms when they left, but believe me, I wish we were preparing for that dreaded trip to Target or Kohl’s to find the “perfect” back pack or binder or whatever… Our oldest daughter did not go away to college and commuted for 4 years while earning her Bachelor of Nursing. We are very proud of her accomplishments and success and when she bought her own house this year and moved out, we felt like it was time. Our youngest, our son, went away to college 2 years ago and is ready to begin his junior year. I thought, no big deal, but it hit me like a ton of bricks this summer when he got his first internship and stayed on campus. Even though he is only an hour away, he is so involved in classes and extra-curricular activities that he is rarely home. He just returned from 2 weeks in Germany with an on-campus race team that builds and competes with a formula 1 style race car. We speak often and I usually meet him after work monthly to take him on a Sam’s Club run (sorry COSTCO…I hope they don’t sponsor your site) but the point is I miss my little buddy and realize he too will graduate and move out for good. So we may not show it the same way, but believe me, it effects dad too! Stopped by to check out a recipe for our daughter’s wedding reception in 6 weeks and read further and further into your blog. Love it and thanks for all the good recipes and humor. I also appreciated your tribute to the tragic loss of life in your son’s school community. We have a neighbor who was the oldest brother of one of our son’s best high school friends who was stabbed to death on his campus 2 weeks before Christmas of 2012. He was on the phone with his Mom as he was dying and they had a 3 hour drive not knowing the tragic outcome. It is so senseless and these families will never fully recover from a loss like that. We need to be reminded to keep them in our prayers and in our hearts and be grateful that we still have our loved ones, no matter how far from home they may be.
Thank you so much for your heartfelt comments, Bob. My friends and I always snickered at our husband’s seemingly blase attitude about the kids leaving but I do know that you guys have big hearts and miss them just as much. I have to say though that I do think it’s different for Mom. Maybe not easier but definitely different. I loved reading about your kids and what this time has meant to you. Thanks so much for the wonderful compliments and I hope you visit again soon 🙂 And, nope, Costco is not a sponsor. I’m just there constantly so I thought I’d share my finds.
I had a smile on my face as I read the story of your youngest going off to College. It reminded me so much of the emotion I felt when my son went off to University two years ago. I can’t believe you had to go through it 4 times. I really had to start preparing myself for months, as he is our only child. I made sure my “To Do” list was very long with projects. What a blessing it is to see how happy he is at University, confident and prepared for his journey into adulthood.
Thanks so much for your lovely comments Laureen 🙂 I think we all go through the same experience whether it’s our 1st or 4th.
Hi Valerie, you used to know me as Grannyloohoo on Allrecipes and on a food forum. 🙂 I’m so excited to see you on your blog and as an Allrecipes celebrity!
My son is 43, and when he left for college (as he loves to remind me), I didn’t even go in his room because I was so depressed – to the point that one weekend when he came home, there was cat poop on his bed – not a very welcoming sight. 🙁 And you are right about husbands. Mine was happy and couldn’t wait till our daughter departed 5 years later.
Great advice and post – I wish I had seen it many years ago. 🙂
So glad to hear from you, Linda! It’s been such a long time. I guess I better get myself in that room to clean up 🙂 Funny how that does seem to be a common thread with most men.
Great post, Valerie! I’ve wanted to do a post like this for the past couple years, but just couldn’t get through it! Great advice!!
Valerie: Gosh, that’s one good looking group of young men! What a beautiful family! My two oldest children attend a local community college. This is my daughter’s final quarter. So we need all the tips you can share about sending them off to school. We are so naive about this subject matter. My husband and I were both voc-tech and community college students, so neither one of us have any experience with life at a university. Yikes! (I am definitely going to need a Costco-sized package of tissues. Good to know that “sudden and poorly timed emotional outbursts” are a normal side effect).
Thank you so much! I think they are pretty good lookin’ too 😉 Best of luck to you and your daughter!
Good list! Having done this twice already myself, my advice, shop a year in advance so you can take advantage of things like bedding and dorm stuff on the clearance rack!! It will save you a boatload of money. And no, it actually gets HARDER with each one you send off. lol
Excellent advice, Renee. I’m keeping notes and I think I’ll do a more in depth post next year at Back to School time.
This is such good advice and even though I’m a few years away from my first leaving for college, I had a little heart pang just thinking about it. I love this new feature on your blog ;)!
It will be here before you know it! Thanks Jenn 🙂